life...

Sigh.

That pretty much sums it up.

finale, boarding, and clues

I sold my desk today. to two ladies from craigslist. without it my room seems messier. ironic, but now my stuff is all over the place. and thus begins the dismantling of my former life, first comes wreckage, then emptiness.

i went snowboarding friday. it was a lot of fun. but caitlyn pulled her neck and i only got 4 runs in down the mountain. the last one went well, i finally remembered how to do everything and made it down the mountain making wide carves that took up the entire run. but mountains in LA really arent that great. cant wait to get back to the NW where the better snow is. someday id love to go to whistler. spend a couple days boarding.

i guess im going to mention somethings i want for christmas

tennis related stuff. never got to pick out that racket i wanted. oh well
things that are soft and fuzzy or silky that i can wear or sleep in or on or next to.
harry potter books. i own none
pretty jewlery. think elegant. silver. and classic
a pea coat. red. or white.
a trip.
subscription to sci. amer. or a cooking one.
anything cool, or funny, or something i can play with
guitar hero. duh
something made. with love and thought.
puzzles, monkeys, dvds of movies i love and havent bought
stuff for things i like to do.
not arrested development season one
slippers! both kinds.
gift certificate for a massage or spa treatment.
ticket to disneyland
a watch
nice sunglasses
black dress shoes
another purse
cashmere
an n64. + zelda, supermario 64, and banjo kazooie
wii!! with the new zelda!
oh and board games. plus someone to play with

oh dear

I cannot for the life of me get up early in the morning if i have no reason to. It's finals week and every single day I have gotten up at 1130. Not for lack of trying. But Buck calling, my alarm going off, my roommate getting up and leaving and coming back didnt get me out of bed. Today was better, I got up at 11. but I fell asleep half an hour earlier last night. Seems like I need 10.5 hours of sleep. That seems strange doesnt it?

Much studying to do, Stats test tomorrow, and an essay to submit for Rochester today. I hate writing essays.

And it's our six month anniversary today. Thinking of you, even though you're a thousand miles away.

yay christmas

My favorite time of year. Though I have to admit that winter in LA just doesnt invoke a christmassy feeling, what with the sixty degree weather. Heres a little bit of info about my holiday traditions =)

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? definetely hot chocolate, though its getting to be a bit too sweet. maybe some steamed milk with syrup?

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? The big santa gift was always assembled and just put under the tree so you could see it right away when you came into the room

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?Colored on tree and colored on house. I hope dad buys a tree and puts up the house lights this year...

4. Do you hang mistletoe? No, does anyone even sell that stuff?

5. When do you put your decorations up? Now its when I get back for break, used to be a couple weeks before christmas

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? i like the cinnabon we get once a year for breakfast on christmas morning (thats breakfast, not dessert)

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child: When my entire family used to get together to decorate the tree. For awhile it was just me and my mom, but now we got my brother back into it.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? My parents sat me down when I was six and told me Santa was more the spirit of Christmas than an actual person. I probably would have ardently defended santa for a couple more years.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Yup, but only because when I was around 10 I begged my parents, and once you let a kid have its way, it becomes a tradition.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? Lights and ornaments, most of which were made by me, my brother, or my mom's friend back in the seventies. We have some nice stuff too.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Mmm snow. Washington got like 5 inches over thanksgiving, and I got to see some of it! It rarely snows more than a centimeter, and even then school is closed.

12. Can you ice skate? Yup, one of my birthday parties was a surprise party at an icerink. My mom planned it and my dad took me on a "driving lesson" and had to stop inside the rink to use the bathroom. One of the few times I've been truly surprised. A grand total of 3 of my birthday parties since I've turned 13 have been surprise parties, and I've only had 5. I hate planning parties, what if no one comes or has a good time...

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Not really, but when I was four or five my dad got me Nintendo (original) for christmas from santa. That was really a present for him. I managed to find my presents by accident a lot, and didnt want to disapoint my parents so would pretend to be really surprised on christmas day. Oh and the most dissapointing gift santa ever brought was a roadside repair kit for my car. That was a few years ago, but I still bring it up =)

14. What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Everyone happy. I love happiness, and it seems to surround Christmas day.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? I guess we're not a big dessert family. I always loved the appetizers (poo poo's) we make on special dinners though.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? My brother and I getting up before my parents and playing boardgames until we could wake them up at 8, and running down the stairs and seeing all the presents under the tree (Santa and my parents both brought them during the night).

17. What tops your tree? Some moving candle holding St Nick figure. My mom loves it

18. Which do you prefer giving or Receiving? I honestly love both. I love happiness, in myself and others.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? Carol of the bells

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum?? Good in small doses and to keep around in the car. I especially like the chocolate mint ones.

yawn

I do realize that it is 1145 and i am just now awake. And personally I find it more disturbing than you. Think of all the things I could of done (planned to do) before noon rolled around. One of which would have been make a trip to the grocery store and acutally buy some food. Currently I have very little food. And its quite depressing. But lets see. To continue the list
3-Med School Interviews. I was in Michigan last weekend and had my first ever medschool interview. I'm not entirely sure how well I did, there were some questions that I wasn't as clear or coherent as I'd like in my answer, and I wish I talked more for each questions, but I have a habit of stopping and waiting for another directional prompt before I continue talking. But I absolutely loved their school. Except for the fact that its in MICHIGAN they are a perfect fit for me. The curriculum is super flexible, they let you take the weekly quizes any time over the weekend, so you could take it on friday and have the entire weekend stress free. All lectures are videoed and put online to review or watch at your pleasure. Most lecture days only go till noon, unlike some medschools which have lecture 8-5. Its integrated and organ based, with anatomy spanning every sequence as opposed to one long stint. The hospital is amazing, they're a top 10 school, they are ranked 3rd in residency matching, and the town of ann arbor is perfect. small enough to walk around, big enough to have lots of places to eat and buy things. But it is far away and cold and in the middle of nowhere. My next interview is with UW this wednesday and i fly out tuesday at 6pm. I am less nervous for this one, mainly because i dont have to go through the stress of landing in a new city and arranging everything myself. Though it was amazingly fun, though stressful, doing that in Ann Arbor.

I think breakfast is in order

Kristy

Re starting

As I noticed how much fun I had from reading my brother and his wife's blog, I have decided to start up again. Now with a new goal, less self reflection, more keeping in touch with family and friends. With this in mind, hopefully I will realize that people read this and not write things offensive to anyone (an incident i would rather not repeat). However, with so much going on in my life, it's going to be hard to catch up. let's just start with a list of cool and exciting things going on.

1-I'm learning lots of cool technology tools. Taking a website design class really made me realize how much i love creating things. As if it wasnt already evident what with my obvious tendancies towards crafts. But this opens a whole new world of design, as I am learning html, photoshop, dreamweaver, and cs soon Also this friday is a tutorial on using maya, and i will learn how to make a 3d jackolantern. I'm super stoked and often waste my time fooling around with these programs. i wonder if i chose the wrong major? or perhaps more importantly, career choice. also, blogger lets you edit the html of your space, something i am very excited to do soon =) =)

2-Tennis!@! what can i say, i found a new love, and though it seems lat to get started with a new sport, I am so glad I found it when i did. Why didnt I realize the potential for fun when I took lessons in 8th grade? who knows. but i play 2-3 times a week now and am slowly getting better (last wednesday was a real turning point for me, I fixed my form and went from akwardly half spinning twisting my legs practically tripping/jumping in the air to something that resembles a swing, and on the plus side my balls all go very nicely over the net with a very satisfying thwack and they dont go too long either! i cant wait to buy a nice racket. I already bought balls (but didnt find the pink ones I saw online) and also on the list is shoes and a bag.

ok, those are only 2 out of a million things going on, but, i am late for biotech.

hopefully i will continue this little attempt at communication, since I am so bad at every other method (im sorry!)

kristy

i think i could be happy if i had a noah's sun dried tomato bagel with low fat cream cheese for breakfast every morning. oh man so delicious. i remember the days when i had a bagel with cream cheese and a banana every day for breakfast. dont think i can pull that one off anymore.

happy fifth of july. yesterday i witnessed the amazing fireworks of corvallis. went with some friends from my apt and some new people i had yet to meet down to the 'water front' (aka moderate sized river) to see the fireworks show (aka explosives set off one at a time in complete silence. read-no music). got bored with it after about 5 minutes, but it was better than sitting at home by far. and it was good company.

life and secondaries

im not even sure what to say, really. this summer has been completely unexpected in so many ways, and i just feel so lucky to have ended up here. but i dont really want to say a whole lot more, you'll just have to ask me someday in person. but i am very happy...

on the other hand, secondaries havent even started rolling in quite yet (i only have one that has been sent my way) but im already begining to feel overwhelmed. all these freakin essays and they always take me forever, and usually i get tired of it and just start producing less than quality work. but this is what i want to do, but do i really want to go through 18 secondaries? i think thats insane....i hope a lot of the essays can be reused. but that will be my late summer/all of fall.

im also kinda worried about my degree. i planned all along to do a minor, or a double, but my parents saw the graduating a semester early as a boon to their pockets. and i guess part of me feels more ok with it cuz i can make money, but i wonder if it will be detrimental to the application process.

tomorrow is the coast and outlet shopping. <3

heartbeats

One night to be confused, one night to speed up truth. We had a promise made, four hands and then away. Both under influence we had divine scent to know what to say-mind is a razorblade. To call for hands of above to lean on wouldn't be good enough for me, no.
One night of magic rush. The start: a simple touch. One night to push and scream and then relief...
Ten days of perfect tunes. The colors red and blue. We had a promise made-we were in love. To call for hands of above to lean on wouldn't be good enough for me, no.
And you, you knew the hand of the devil and you kept us awake with wolves teeth sharing different heartbeats in one night...

-jose gonzalez

do you ever wonder why people post lyrics? i think it strikes a chord and it means so much to them, they just want to share it, thinking that maybe others will understand better what they are going through. or maybe its just a really good song =p

death cab!!

IM SEEING DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE IN AUGUST! i am officially stoked. If you feel like being in oregon on august 10th, you should come too. its at a winery :-)

thoughts on corvallis

so...corvallis. interesting town. but its been great, and i love experiencing new places. though im going to have to learn to avoid asian food here cuz its just not the same.
thoughts on oregon-
corvallis is in the top ten biggest cities of oregon, man, thats insane. their downtown is all of 4 square blocks, its on par with maybe edmond i think, size wise and style of the town. cute, but not deserving of the name downtown.
people are different here. and i thought washington was liberal and outdoorsy. not here, where organic is the norm, hippies never died, and people expect recycling. its sure been fun people watching though, even just on campus, its an ecclectic variety of styles that i dont normally see.
however, people are also pretty damn nice. maybe its oregon, or maybe its that im not 18 anymore, but coming here and not knowing anyone was a lot easier than going to LA alone.
i like that i can walk places here. no one walks in LA. and for good reason. maybe someday ill move to new york. but people are angry there.
man i miss the food. foodwise its going to be a long ten weeks.
ive decided that maybe someday ill love living in a cute town like this where i can walk to noahs bagels for sunday breakfast, but while im young and not tied down, i do better in a larger city. not necessarily in the ghetto though, i think im done with that

dangerous drug

today i woke up sick. or so i thought. i had all the symptoms of a cold, and i was miserable as i came down the stairs in my robe.klenex box in hand, i truly believed i was destined for a day on the couch. however, my dad later informed me that grass pollen was off the charts today, and i realized i only had allergies. as we were about to go out to lunch, i took a benedryl and we were off to malay satay hut in redmond. another one of my favorite restaurants. on the way, my throat began to kind of close up and my tongue started swelling a bit. this was the most intense allergic reaction i have had from grass, so i thought i better take another benedryl.
lunch was great, really delicious with 2 noodle dishes, chicken satay, and bread with curry. after we decided to go to a coffee shop for a latte. the cafe was perfect, exactly what you want out of a neighborhood coffee shop. friendly staff, great decor, and lattes in giant cups with hearts made out of the foam. only problem was, i was thoroughly sedated.
the drive to the shop found me nodding off, and when we got there i did my best to wake up, but im afraid the barista must have thought i was loopy as i ordered at a speed comparable to those with less mental capacity. as we waited for my drinks, i tried to make conversation with my dad. we talked about normal things, but i couldnt get any of my ideas to form correctly, my scentences came out slightly confused, and my speach was slurred and slow. in short, i felt like i was drunk and desperately trying to keep it together. it was exactly like the end of a night of drinking, all slow, tired, goofy, and confused. i actually felt embarressed because i was acting so drunk around my dad. guess im not yet comfortable partying with my parents.

is my head too small?

so, interesting news....

i knew all along that my parents were married one year more than my age. handy little tip, easy to figure out. but i always kinda assumed that meant they were married for a year and then got pregnant.

last night during dinner at thai ginger (oh so yummy restaurant in redmond, on par with saladang quality, but tiny tiny portions) we were talking about how my dads parents got married because of him. so thought a little bit about my bday and their anniversary and realized that my parents got pregnant the first year of marriage. now that sucks, dont you think? i would want a couple years baby free to enjoy married life. but then i actually stopped to count. june, july, august....february. thats only 8 months. and i was a few days late. 8 months. late. my mom was pregnant when they got married?!

my dad didnt quite understand this, as he had always assumed that i was conceived in europe during their honeymoon, as afterwards is when they found out. and when i went home to ask my mom, she had that sheepish smile as she tried to bluff her way out of it. turns out, she was pregnant a whole month before the wedding. and didnt know. she also didnt know during the honeymoon. in france. which means that my mother was drinking alcohol, beer, redwine, champagne, for the first 2 months of my gestation! when i figured this out, i frantically checked the mirror. why yes, my head did seem abnormally small, and didnt i always reverse numbers, and wasnt i oh so forgetful of names, faces, things people said 2 minutes ago? oh my god i had fetal achohol syndrome!

oh how wonderful to have another thing to give my mom a hard time about...

addictions and vacation

I've definetly got a problem. I'm addicted...

Last night found me anxious. I was all out, and I needed another one, or I couldn't sleep. I looked under my bed, in the guest room, I couldn't find any i hadnt used before. It wasnt until I was in my parents room with a flashlight, moving quietly so as not to wake my mom, rummaging through dusty piles of books that i realized only a truly sad individual would resort to such tactics at midnight in order to get their fix. My name is Kristy, and Im addicted to reading. I need something to read. something good, something worth while, not something sad trashy and juvenile. sorry, but my reading level is not that of an 8 year old. I need reccommendations, and I need them soon, because I leave for oregon on friday, and that will most likely require a LOT of good books. I'm thinking about a trip to the bookstore before I leave, but that will probably run me about a hundred dollars.

Speaking of leaving, I think I finally don't feel like I can live here any more. Its been about a week, and Ive started to become irritable with certain things. i still fit in easily in the family routine, but as much as I love my family, I think i would value weekends home to visit more than living at home.

next friday im off to corvallis, and i dont start work till tuesday or wednesday, so that gives me a few days to get my apt set up and explore the town. im gonna bring my bike down, so i think ill do a lot of running, biking, swimming, and working out at the gym in my brand new apt complex. I swear, after this summer and next year in brand new apts, i'm going to be spoiled...

almost done!

i have to say that im not really looking forward to med school interviews-i kinda feel like i got rather muddled and confused during my mock interview, and it definetly was the worst interview ive ever had. but all said and done, i didnt do too poorly, and i did get to wear my nice new banana republic suit! only thing is, i need to exchange it, and i cant keep the 100 dollar shoes that come with their own dust bag-amazing. it was so much fun to buy that stuff, maybe from now on ill get my thrills by charging really expensive things to my credit card and returning them a week later.
im looking forward to the end of school, but not necessarily for the end of being here. ive finally got a social life back again, and while i miss home and am excited to be there for awhile, i love it here with my friends and im still constantly meeting new people-for a little excitement in my life ;-). and its sad to think that im almost done with my time here. well i'll enjoy my 2 days in LA and then be off for home

party eyes

Ive never been very good with 'eye flirting'. In fact, I have a hard time making eye contact with any guy that I dont know, be he attractive or far from it. If a guy catches my eye, I quickly look away, and I am rarely able to hold a gaze for more than a few seconds. I wonder why this is? Im sure its a remnant of my past shyness, proof that I am more intro than extroverted. But the eyes are so intimate, you can exchange so much in a glance, I'm afraid of sharing too much so I look away.
there have been a few times when i have maintained eye contact long enough for the guy to smile as we pass each other on the street. and in that half second, im a 13 yo girl again giddy with the rush of attraction.
i sometimes notice guys looking at me, but im too shy to smile and give them encouragement to talk to me. i stand aloof, alone on a stairway, staring off into space pretending to watch the beerpong game below, and I see guys looking. Theyre wondering why Im standing alone, whats the circumstance that has left me without a conversation, and they perhaps contemplate coming over. but i feel like the unapproachable one, the one who gives off an air of being too good for the party and for all of you, when in reality Im just bored and alone, waiting for my friends to finish making out so I can go home.

i wish i lived in a time where walking was the norm

everyday i walk home down orchard and i pass a green house with a metal fence around the yard. there nothing too particular about the place, its just about as run down as the others that line the cracked and pot-hole filled street. but most days there is a king charles spaniel waiting at the gate. I always stop for a minute to scratch his head and tell him how cute he is. some days he's not outside, but sees me walk past and runs down the stairs and out the front door into the yard to say hello. Its funny how the little things make your day. Im going to have to start carrying little treats for him.

my appologies

im sorry for the drama this blog has caused. im just venting frustrations here, i wasnt out to get anyone, nor do i want to sabotage anything. i care about him, and i want the best for him, and just like a sister i doubt ill ever think anyones quite good enough for him. is that such a crime? i still feel that way about sean, (and im sure carolines wonderful, i dont really know her, but i still say i called it!)

i guess i dont get why what i think matters so much. but for the record, (since i cant talk directly,) i have no feelings for him nor do i want to get back together with him and i will gladly step aside and exit his life if that is what is best for him. i dont really know how to prove it, because i would of course be sad to lose a friend, but i cant force anyone to believe. but i hope everything works out in the end.

publishing

Reading my newsweek today in an attempt to stuff my brain full of essay topics for saturday, i noticed that on the cover was a piece on an HPV vaccine to treat cervical cancer. I myself had written a 12 page paper on this very topic last semester, of which i was very proud. but even more proud now that this topic has been deemed worthy of a newsweek cover. How exciting is it to predict whats going to be important to the world. imagine having the ability to not only predict, but direct what the world knows. also, the actual cover story is about women who cant sleep, and the reasons for it, one of which is sleep apnea, which i also wrote on.

im going to miss college, and writing papers that i feel proud of, that seem important and actually say something interesting. ive been stuck in science for so long that writing papers seems such an impossible and disgusting task, but the truth is, i love reading, and i do really enjoy the feeling of accomplishment after writing something worthwhile. and the thrill of knowing that my ideas are perhaps important.

i always said there were two other careers i would enjoy. 1-a chef. i love cooking, i enjoy all aspects of it, making people happy, the artistic creativity, the scientific aspect, and of course, i love food. and also 2-publishing. i dont think i have it in me to write a novel (though i do want to try someday, imagine how that would feel!) but i would love to pick what books were published. i love reading.

mountain lakes

either i have allergies (i hate grass) or im sick (god really does hate me) but either way im going to be on drugs when i take the mcats.

im still finding things i dont know for this damn test. and honestly its kinda hard to focus with the sun out and all i want to do is lay out in the sun with a book and a glass of water.

i miss home a lot, this weather always makes me think of washington in august, which im never there for. but i havent been home in so long. i want to go hiking up to the lakes in the mountains again, and jump off that rock into the water.

that day was so much fun. if you know me, you know i hate falling. absolutely, i wont go on splash mountain, its a horrible feeling. but that day i managed to get up enough courage to jump off a rock about 20 feet above the water (doesnt seem like a whole lot, but trust me, heres a pic with adam jumping off, who is 6'2" or so). but it took me so long, i walked to the edge and looked down and i couldnt jump, it took me a few minutes, and finally i walked away from it, and i tried to run towards the edge but i was too scared so i only managed to walk quickly, and i didnt have enough speed so i couldnt take a flying leap off, it was more like i stepped off, which is really scary. and i remember falling and for the first two seconds it wasnt too bad, and then that last third i felt like i was never going to stop, and then splash i hit that rather cold glacier lake water. it was exhilarating. but i couldnt do it again.

i miss the trees, i miss the clean air, i miss the mountains, the sun, the rain, the ocean. and i miss my family. only 3 weeks!

adam jumping off the rock. i dont have a pic of myself doing it, but i promise you i did!

oh the sun

finally it feels like summer here in LA. was perhaps too much of a shock for my system though. i had an hour break between phys lab and kines lab, so i sat in the sun and did mcat studying. nice, relaxing, getting some vitamin d... apparently im whiter than ive been in years, because i got kinda burned. not too bad, but definetly pinky-red. how is that possible!? usually it takes awhile for me to tan/burn in LA. so now i have this akward vshaped tan from snowboarding and a lighter tan that goes farther down my chest from my tank top. im thinking a trip to the beach is in order.

feeling better about mcats. got my eye on a 39, but ill be happy with a 35+
tomorrow im going to skip all the classes and take a practice test on my own. gonna start it at 10 which means ill be outa there probably by 5. ugh. but friday will be relaxation, with gathering of some essay topic ideas, and a mani/pedi. oh and making sure i know how to get to the test center. other than that, just watching movies and hoping i can fall asleep.

cant wait till saturday at 5, ill be all done. call if want afterward : )

disorder reigns

i just want it neat and clean again. my room is a mess, clothes and books everywhere, my school work is a mess, i cant seem to do everything i need to do, my body's a mess, im sick and i cannot afford to be sick now. my throat hurts so bad i can barely swallow. i honestly just wish someone would come and clean my room. i cant wait till saturday, i want to come back and lay on the couch and get lots of hugs and love, maybe go out to dinner, someone else can drive, and we can go to my favorite thai place in pasadena, except its saturday so traffic will probably be bad, but ill fall asleep in the car on the way there, and ill get a bunch of different types of noodles, mmm, and then come back and watch a movie and have icecream. and come sunday i can either go snowboarding or sleep in and go shopping and finally get myself all those things i want...or at least a few things i need.

but i feel like more likely saturday im gonna come back and lay on the couch, and then fall asleep. which can also be nice. maybe not ideal, i know how to make myself happy ; )

i dont know if anyone reads this. if you do, leave a comment and let me know? and to make it interesting, recount a favorite memory of us

qualities

i dont like being protected. i dont like feeling sheltered either, ask my parents. i prefer honesty and resulting pain to deceit and ignorance. i would rather have people talk bad about me to me than behind my back-i hate fake people who pretend to be your friends but really don't give a shit about you. i want to do it my way, i want to make my own decisions. i bristle when im treated like a child or an idiot. its hard for me to ask for help from those who are my superiors, id rather figure it out on my own.

mcats

is anyone else fucking nervous for next weekend?

my expectations are too high.

could any one spare a few minutes to hug me, maybe massage my shoulders and tell me its gonna be ok? and i could really use some cuddle time right now, just to relax for a bit.

sondre lerche

right now my favorite artist. and this is one of my favorite songs of his. go buy his cd, or ask me to send you a song, cuz its hard to find online to dl.

Things you call fate

I find it hard, hard to let go
And you are entitled to know
You have brought nothing else but bliss, a great deal of frustration, a voluntary occupation
driving me insane and off the wall
And we were free to choose each other
But now it seems like something other
So have you placed me where I stand?
We turned caring like a mother, afraid to lose each other
It got us this far
Now problems are:
I have no bags to pack, no suitcase waiting in the hall
You have no make-up, no stockings in my drawer
Oh, how did we forget? How could we forget?
It's easy to learn if you never regret
When you live in paranoia and you know she's got you, oh yeah
You can't leave until you know the truth
So for months you're going nowhere
until you seize the day and place yourself behind the steering wheel
Or you could end like you don't want to, the opposite of what you planned to:
You can watch the ships when they're abroad
Become a joke when people see you, cause it's enough to please you
You got this far, step out of the car
We'll never learn in the future, this is it, seemingly I am sure
I know we haven't been together now
It wasn't meant to be this way so we'll give it days and days and we'll try to make it easy now
Once I believed we could approach this, now I have faith placed in the things you call fate

summer

im a little worried about the summer. for a lot of reasons. ive never done research before, so i have no idea if ill be any good at it. i will be the only intern in the lab, so i will be the most naive and incompetant person there, without even the comfort of companionship. ill be in a dorm eating caf food with communal showers. remember how much i hated that freshman year? i wont have anyone i know there, and possibly not even meet anyone because theres only 2 other interns and theyll be in other labs. and secondaries for med school start coming back in july so ill have to work 40 hours a week and spend all my free time filling out essays and forms.

but im also rather excited about it. i get to live in a new city, and its a college town, which is what i wanted in the first place going to college. plus its the pac nw, which i love, and theres no where nicer to be in the summer. ill have a car, so if i decide i want to go home for some family and food, its only 5.5 hours away. mark and i are driving up, which should be good times and good music. ill be doing research, which is something new and possibly exciting. ill be making money this summer, the most ill ever have made from a summer job (4000). the research will give me something else to put on my med school resume, and another letter of rec. i potentially can meet new OSU people and make new friends. Itll be sunny and 80degrees for most of the time im there. And im close to Tillamook! just kidding, i doubt thatll actually come into play.

only 1.5 weeks till mcats, 2.5 weeks left of class, 4 weeks until im done with my jr year.

snowboarding!!

I'm in love. I can't believe it has taken me so long to get around and try snowboarding. Granted its hella expensive, and time consuming, but wow was it fun. Went on Sunday with some friends, about 7 of us, and at first it was so hard. I couldnt even stand up for more than half a second, literally, before i fell back hard on my ass again. But after the first hour or so i learned how to balance, and leaf down the hill. turns out that you need to put your weight on your heels but squat a bit so your balance is right, and you have to put your weight on your front foot. after awhile i learned how to link turns, and that took awhile, and a lot of me pointing my arms in the direction i wanted to go (yes, sounds crazy, but it works, and i think everyone does it in the begining) and eventually i learned how to carve down the mountain. i was actually surprised that it seemed to come so naturally, as it was damn near impossible last time i tried in 8th grade (for half an hour) and in the begining it was so hard to even stay up. but at the end of the day i had an instinctive feel of how to turn and stop and shift my weight and use the edge of the board. only trouble is, i got more confident and i still dont have a whole lot of control when i get going fast (but fast is so fun!) and so i do fall a lot, and falling while going fast is scary. on my last run down i turning left and it was kinda slushy/icy/bumpy and apparently my lip caught and i flipped forward and hit the ground really hard and the board came up behind me. i dont think it hit me, but it twisted my back and for a second or two i couldnt really move my lower body. i was scared right about then, but thankfully Okan was keeping an eye on me and noticed me lying on the ground not moving. needless to say that was my last run down, and im thankful not to have been hurt more seriously. lesson learned, when its icy, go slower!

i want to go again before the season is over, and i would love to buy myself a board.

ive been a little frustrated and confused the end of last week, but its all good again. its just, i want to understand, thats just my nature, and its hard when it seems like he doesnt even understand himself, and all i can do is guess. i dont even know myself if i want to be with him, and i dont know if we'd work out, but i feel like we didnt even get a chance to find out. things left undone, unsaid. id rather play it out till the end...

as a side note-im so glad that blake and i have stayed friends. after 9 months of pain, akwardness, confusion, and jealousy, we are now friends, and have been for a few months now, and im thankful that the one person who knows me the best and i feel most comfortable with will always be one of my best friends. it took us a long time to get here, but im glad we didnt screw it up.

i saw yuriy today. its amazing that that boy still causes a bunch of different feelings in me, all of them too much for me to handle. a lot of them negative and painful, but there was also the nervousness that i always felt around him. i was rarely able to stand up to him, he made me so insecure and had such power over me. partly because i so desperately wanted him to love me, because i was so infatuated with him that i didnt want to say anything that could be taken badly, and therefore i was never really myself or comfortable. but also because i never knew what was going to make him angry, what was going to trigger an onslaught of curse words, or a freeze out in which i was unable to get ahold of him. and i never knew if he was telling me the whole truth, even after he confessed his lies and promiscuity, there were other things he never disclosed, more secrets and pain. no wonder i will never be able to be friends with him, never able to see him without a flood of emotions and trepidation.

ive left pieces of my heart in so many places, how will i ever put them back together again? all i know is that right now theres only one person id want to be with. and yet i dont want to do anything about it now. i think im just gonna go with the flow, see where my heart and my life takes me, and not think too much about it. if its right, ill feel it, and if its not, ill know it.

2:01 am

you might say, if being together makes you both happy and being apart makes you both unhappy, why not be together?

its complicated...

i know we shouldnt. for him, and his life, for us, because i would be crazy jealous and insecure, and for me, because i want someone who loves me enough.

its stormy outside, but i feel sunny

its 2am. im not that sleepy. and i plan on skipping class tomorrow (as i always do for this class) so i dont have anything till a meeting at 1130. i just wanted to say, all things aside, pain you never thought youd overcome receeds in the distance and becomes a faint memory. so im doing well, and happy with school and where my life is taking me. personal statement is done, letters of rec are almost all in, mcats are in 2.5 weeks, and im getting really excited to pick which schools i want to apply to. life is good, and im happy. today it was pouring but i couldnt stop smiling walking to class looking at all the umbrellas and imagining looking down on them from above and how silly we all must look. i kept thinking of that game rollercoaster tycoon and when it rained all the little people had umbrellas.

i do miss him, when i think about him. and sometimes i wish things didnt turn out this way. and its not that im happy it did end this way, its just it doesnt really bother me anymore. maybe it just wasnt meant to be, and ive accepted that.
im not sure how seeing him is going to be though. im excited, which is probably bad.i know im not entirely over it,as picturing him making out with his ex makes me really upset, and thinking about how he made me believe he felt all these things and then the moment he thought he could get back together with her he left me, and all those horrible things he said about how he didnt love me as much as i loved him or he loved her still makes me feel really hurt and used. but i do want to see him. and it makes me happy that he wants to see me. see how this is a bad path? especially when im ok with the whole being without him now.

i do know that i deserve more though, and im not willing to settle. i want someone who will love me for me, not as some replacement or second best. so i really cant afford to not be over it.

i cant see my knuckles anymore, its just a smooth area

so my friend chris taught me some mui thai boxing moves. i really wanted to punch something, so i felt like this was a good outlet. and it was actually a lot of fun. and very satisfying. solid contact and resistance. god i wanted to punch that thing till i collapsed. unfortunately, i punched it until my knuckles swelled up like crazy. it was ridiculous. i finally learned how to do it correctly, and i connected really solidly and it hurt my knuckles really bad. and i look down and my ring finger knuckle has this huge lump where its filled with i dont know, blood? now, 7 hours later, the entire stretch of knuckles on both hands are a light purple, im sore and cant grip anything, and the ring finger knuckle is still so swolen that my pinky wont lay straight, it points out away from my hand. i love it. somehow the next best alternative to hurting someone is hurting yourself. and ive never been able to deliberatly hurt someone, so this is my only outlet.but now, i know how to hurt someone if i ever have to. i want to be angry at someone, but i cant be angry at him, so i naturally turn to the ex. thwack. i wish...

school isnt going too well. have absolutely no will to do well anymore. two midterms next week. and another practice mcat. i dont know if i can do it. and i dont know that i care.

i wonder if he reads this. there are so many things i feel like i need to say to him, to explain, and things i want to ask him, so i can have some peace of mind. but he wont talk to me. i dont understand why not. is he just scared that ill make him feel bad about it? or does he just hate me and want me out of his life as fast as possible.

just talk to me baby...

i wish i didnt care

Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK

without you today's emotions would be the scurf of yesterdays

i dont know..it doesnt really feel right. i feel out of touch, so far away, out of sight, out of mind. inconsequential and unneccessary, superfluous and obsolete. i will never feel like i did. its different, why is it different? because he doesnt call, because he's fine not talking to me for days at a time, becuase im not a part of his life, because he doesnt want to be my best friend. doesnt want me that close. is afraid. and its just not good enough for me...

i wrote that a couple days ago. guess i saw it coming...

i feel like im floating.
it might be not eating for 12 hours...

will i ever be enough?

wireless and medschool

Im currently sitting in Tutor Hall (man those engineering kids have a lot of money, this place is hella nice) using the amazing wireless we have on campus. Isn't it slightly ridiculous that I couldn't figure out how to use the wireless until spring of my junior year? its so cool to be sitting here and on the internet. I really should be writing the outline of my personal statment now, and i'll start it soon. All this week I have appointments with professors to interview for med school letters of rec. I have my first one yesterday, and I wasnt expecting a full blown life goals why do you want to go to med school interview that lasted 40 minutes. but if you think about it, 40 minutes isnt really that long to try and get to know someone. but i think its true that you can tell a lot about someone from just talking to them for 10 minutes. It went well and I think i handled myself well, was composed, earnest, and articulate. though im not sure that i got everything i wanted to impart across to dr. hogen esch. im getting really excited for med school. the more i research into the different programs and schools the more i'm looking forward to actually going. and if you know me at all, you know i love making lists and organizing choices so trying to narrow down my list of medical schools to 20-25 is going to be fun. but probably more stressful than i would like as i have less time to figure it out. this may sound conceited, but im begining to feel like maybe i do have a shot at getting in a few med schools of my choice. i never really thought of myself as smart, just as someone who got decent grades and had this lofty aspiration to become a doctor. but its becoming perhaps a realistic goal. and that is truly amazing.

i miss my sam. looking forward to spring break :)

one month

Just a few thoughts on the last month before I head off to class. nothing in life comes easy, and this is never as true as in relationships. and though we're had a couple issues, and are still working to figure each other out, things have gone amazingly well. I'm quite happy and enjoying the wonderful feeling that only a new relationship can bring. I can't quite believe it's already been a month. I'm sure its a direct result of being apart more than we are together, and only seeing each other on the weekends, but also as a result of this is an actual awareness each time i return home alone of how we have grown closer. instead of a gradual deepening of feelings, its, for lack of a better word, a quantized relationship in which the changes are more intense. Also this is probably a result of the fact that when we are together, we spend almost the entire time at each others side for the couple days, and though dates and going out are fun, i think its really when you start simply working along side each other and taking comfort in the other's presence that a true bond begins to form. also on that note, silence can say much more about two people than conversation ever can. and so, on the one month anniversary of the day we met at mark's party and spent the entire night talking until 7am, I leave you with a picture that looks like it should be a postcard.



sam and i at santa monica a couple weeks ago 

oh and if you click the pic it gets bigger

a couple pics

oh county hospital, the 3rd world country where people are supposed to receive care, about which was recently discussed in the LA times how there were not appropriate safety measures taken to protect workers and volunteers from the criminals taken there, at which i myself volunteer.


LA county hospital where i volunteer 

and me and chun mei at el cholos on her 21st. we ordered margs but they didnt card us. of course. ive only been carded once now. get on your game people!


me and chun mei on her 21st 

its a me...

sounds exactly like me, almost to the point of ridiculousness

take the test

the Helper
you chose CX - your Enneagram type is TWO
"I must help others"
Helpers are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs
How to Get Along with Me
Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
Share fun times with me.
Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
Let me know that I am important and special to you.
Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.
In Intimate Relationships
Reassure me that I am intersting to you.
Reassure me often that you love me.
Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me
What I Like About Being a Two
being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better
being generous, caring, and warm
being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings
being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor
What's Hard About Being a Two
not being able to say no
having low self-esteem
feeling drained from overdoing for others
not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tume in to them
working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings

ruminations

there are some disadvantages to being a girl, for sure. i wish that i didnt have to put myself and the people i care about through those ridiculous couple days. i should just shut myself off from the world on those days. at least i know that it only gets better with time. i dont even know what to say. there are parts of myself that i want to change, but when its something i feel i have less control over, i dont even know where to begin. on another note, its hard to explain what being hapa really means. but its nice to be able to share that with someone

post vday thoughts

the distance makes it a lot harder to work through the miscommunications.

another late night

i hate nights alone in the apartment by myself. its times like this that i just want the comforting presence of someone next to me. we dont have to be talking. or even close together. just knowing someone else is alive and awake at this ungodly hour. thank god for aim, but i know its late when everyone is signed off.
on another note, things are going rather well in my life. i must say, i may have gotten one thing off my bday list. (the last one). :)

my 21st is tomorrow

if i were getting gifts for my bday, i would like,
rainbow slippers

ugg slippers

video ipod, white

clothes and shoes from zara, esprit, H&M, and express

a basket for my bike

<3 a valentine <3

but its just wishful thinking

pictures from pomona

first jello shot. no worries, it was 2 shots tequilla for 21 shots.. 


mark and i at the party. look im not red!  


me and emily. she's such a sweetheart, i wish she went here! 

its been awhile...

cheesy song but really fits right now. its been so long since ive been happy. felt healthy. felt in control of my life and the direction its going. felt loved, wanted, and safe. and im glad to say that this semester has finally brought a change. last summer/semester was just a really awful time for me. and i just wanted to say that since starting this semester, i have been truly happy. i dont even know why. but its amazing, and i cant believe its been this long. went to pomona to visit mark last weekend. had a really great time. i remember freshman year i visited mark, and he took me to a party, and i didnt know anyone, and i didnt drink, and i hated the whole atmosphere. i was uncomfortable and it showed. i wonder what has changed. can 2.5 years really do that much? i dont know whether its the fact that i drink now and it makes it easier to talk to complete strangers, or if im just more confident in myself and interact easier with people. probably a bit of both, but i dont think i need that cup in my hand to have great conversations. i have changed so much, but honestly, most of this change occured the last semester. i guess i dont change gradually over time at a constant speed, i go through spurts and bursts of really dynamic change that almost makes me a new person. and actually a lot of those periods in my past have occured during or after a really shitty time emotionally/mentally. in hs jr year, where i was seriously depressed and lost most of my friends. summer after sr year/fall college, where i broke up with my bf and went off to a city where i didnt know anyone-and i was shy, so that was hard- and then this last 6 months, where i didnt know what the hell was going on. maybe the hard times are just something that i need to go through in order to keep growing and evolving. i just might be a pheonix.
yours, kristy

actually sounds really accurate..

You are the fox.


Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla

Japan and their propensity for having everything clean

a little note about my winter break:
omg so much fun. I think i have the traveling bug. I know no one reads long posts so i'll try to keep the overview short. And i'll post pics later. Japan is a lot of fun, I love the culture and how clean everything is, and its so foreign and yet at the same time familiar. I realized I don't know enough japanese to converse, or even understand much. A lot of the talking is confidence though, its amazing how much more confident I was about going up to strangers and asking for directions after a couple days there. And at one point I even said something complex, along the lines of, among okonomiyaki restaurants, which one is the most delicious. I was so proud of myself, I had rehearsed it in my head multiple times before approaching the lady. I managed to get the entire line out without stumbling, and she seemed to understand what I said. I say seemed, because I had NO idea what she said back to me. All I understood was at the end she said 'sorry' so i assumed she didnt know and said thanks and left. That pretty much sums up my conversational skills. The girls in Japan maybe arent exceptionally beautiful, but they really know how to dress and pay a lot of attention to their appearance. So pretty much every girl between the ages of 8 and 28 was "ridiculously goodlooking". Tried to do some shopping, but a simple skirt there costs on average 6,000 Yen, which is about 600 US. insane. in the membrane. so after we figured that out, our days consisted of eating, walking until we were hungry, and eating again, over and over. with some sightseeing in between all that walking. I swear our only focus was to work up an appetite so we could try something new to eat. Whats ironic is that japan is such a clean city, but there are NO trashcans. not one. go figure. I dont know what these japanese locals do with their trash, my guess is theyre all secretly walking around with bulging pockets full of candy wrappers and cigarette butts. and these designer bags all the girls carry? just a convinient LV take with you trashcan to hold that half drunk soda. And on this note, Hong Kong was DIRTY. old pavement, old buildings, and trash everywhere. Ironically, hongkong contained a lot of conviniently placed trashcans about every 2 blocks. I love being from that culture. :-)
I could on average see above everyones head in japan, a strange feeling for me. Even worse for my dad, who's 6 foot, so white he glows, and bald. Basically his head was a flashing white beacon that stuck out above a sea of black. never had any trouble locating him. ok this is already too long, and i havent even gone over hongkong. maybe next update, whenever that is.
yours, kristy