i wish i lived in a time where walking was the norm

everyday i walk home down orchard and i pass a green house with a metal fence around the yard. there nothing too particular about the place, its just about as run down as the others that line the cracked and pot-hole filled street. but most days there is a king charles spaniel waiting at the gate. I always stop for a minute to scratch his head and tell him how cute he is. some days he's not outside, but sees me walk past and runs down the stairs and out the front door into the yard to say hello. Its funny how the little things make your day. Im going to have to start carrying little treats for him.

my appologies

im sorry for the drama this blog has caused. im just venting frustrations here, i wasnt out to get anyone, nor do i want to sabotage anything. i care about him, and i want the best for him, and just like a sister i doubt ill ever think anyones quite good enough for him. is that such a crime? i still feel that way about sean, (and im sure carolines wonderful, i dont really know her, but i still say i called it!)

i guess i dont get why what i think matters so much. but for the record, (since i cant talk directly,) i have no feelings for him nor do i want to get back together with him and i will gladly step aside and exit his life if that is what is best for him. i dont really know how to prove it, because i would of course be sad to lose a friend, but i cant force anyone to believe. but i hope everything works out in the end.

publishing

Reading my newsweek today in an attempt to stuff my brain full of essay topics for saturday, i noticed that on the cover was a piece on an HPV vaccine to treat cervical cancer. I myself had written a 12 page paper on this very topic last semester, of which i was very proud. but even more proud now that this topic has been deemed worthy of a newsweek cover. How exciting is it to predict whats going to be important to the world. imagine having the ability to not only predict, but direct what the world knows. also, the actual cover story is about women who cant sleep, and the reasons for it, one of which is sleep apnea, which i also wrote on.

im going to miss college, and writing papers that i feel proud of, that seem important and actually say something interesting. ive been stuck in science for so long that writing papers seems such an impossible and disgusting task, but the truth is, i love reading, and i do really enjoy the feeling of accomplishment after writing something worthwhile. and the thrill of knowing that my ideas are perhaps important.

i always said there were two other careers i would enjoy. 1-a chef. i love cooking, i enjoy all aspects of it, making people happy, the artistic creativity, the scientific aspect, and of course, i love food. and also 2-publishing. i dont think i have it in me to write a novel (though i do want to try someday, imagine how that would feel!) but i would love to pick what books were published. i love reading.

mountain lakes

either i have allergies (i hate grass) or im sick (god really does hate me) but either way im going to be on drugs when i take the mcats.

im still finding things i dont know for this damn test. and honestly its kinda hard to focus with the sun out and all i want to do is lay out in the sun with a book and a glass of water.

i miss home a lot, this weather always makes me think of washington in august, which im never there for. but i havent been home in so long. i want to go hiking up to the lakes in the mountains again, and jump off that rock into the water.

that day was so much fun. if you know me, you know i hate falling. absolutely, i wont go on splash mountain, its a horrible feeling. but that day i managed to get up enough courage to jump off a rock about 20 feet above the water (doesnt seem like a whole lot, but trust me, heres a pic with adam jumping off, who is 6'2" or so). but it took me so long, i walked to the edge and looked down and i couldnt jump, it took me a few minutes, and finally i walked away from it, and i tried to run towards the edge but i was too scared so i only managed to walk quickly, and i didnt have enough speed so i couldnt take a flying leap off, it was more like i stepped off, which is really scary. and i remember falling and for the first two seconds it wasnt too bad, and then that last third i felt like i was never going to stop, and then splash i hit that rather cold glacier lake water. it was exhilarating. but i couldnt do it again.

i miss the trees, i miss the clean air, i miss the mountains, the sun, the rain, the ocean. and i miss my family. only 3 weeks!

adam jumping off the rock. i dont have a pic of myself doing it, but i promise you i did!

oh the sun

finally it feels like summer here in LA. was perhaps too much of a shock for my system though. i had an hour break between phys lab and kines lab, so i sat in the sun and did mcat studying. nice, relaxing, getting some vitamin d... apparently im whiter than ive been in years, because i got kinda burned. not too bad, but definetly pinky-red. how is that possible!? usually it takes awhile for me to tan/burn in LA. so now i have this akward vshaped tan from snowboarding and a lighter tan that goes farther down my chest from my tank top. im thinking a trip to the beach is in order.

feeling better about mcats. got my eye on a 39, but ill be happy with a 35+
tomorrow im going to skip all the classes and take a practice test on my own. gonna start it at 10 which means ill be outa there probably by 5. ugh. but friday will be relaxation, with gathering of some essay topic ideas, and a mani/pedi. oh and making sure i know how to get to the test center. other than that, just watching movies and hoping i can fall asleep.

cant wait till saturday at 5, ill be all done. call if want afterward : )

disorder reigns

i just want it neat and clean again. my room is a mess, clothes and books everywhere, my school work is a mess, i cant seem to do everything i need to do, my body's a mess, im sick and i cannot afford to be sick now. my throat hurts so bad i can barely swallow. i honestly just wish someone would come and clean my room. i cant wait till saturday, i want to come back and lay on the couch and get lots of hugs and love, maybe go out to dinner, someone else can drive, and we can go to my favorite thai place in pasadena, except its saturday so traffic will probably be bad, but ill fall asleep in the car on the way there, and ill get a bunch of different types of noodles, mmm, and then come back and watch a movie and have icecream. and come sunday i can either go snowboarding or sleep in and go shopping and finally get myself all those things i want...or at least a few things i need.

but i feel like more likely saturday im gonna come back and lay on the couch, and then fall asleep. which can also be nice. maybe not ideal, i know how to make myself happy ; )

i dont know if anyone reads this. if you do, leave a comment and let me know? and to make it interesting, recount a favorite memory of us

qualities

i dont like being protected. i dont like feeling sheltered either, ask my parents. i prefer honesty and resulting pain to deceit and ignorance. i would rather have people talk bad about me to me than behind my back-i hate fake people who pretend to be your friends but really don't give a shit about you. i want to do it my way, i want to make my own decisions. i bristle when im treated like a child or an idiot. its hard for me to ask for help from those who are my superiors, id rather figure it out on my own.

mcats

is anyone else fucking nervous for next weekend?

my expectations are too high.

could any one spare a few minutes to hug me, maybe massage my shoulders and tell me its gonna be ok? and i could really use some cuddle time right now, just to relax for a bit.

sondre lerche

right now my favorite artist. and this is one of my favorite songs of his. go buy his cd, or ask me to send you a song, cuz its hard to find online to dl.

Things you call fate

I find it hard, hard to let go
And you are entitled to know
You have brought nothing else but bliss, a great deal of frustration, a voluntary occupation
driving me insane and off the wall
And we were free to choose each other
But now it seems like something other
So have you placed me where I stand?
We turned caring like a mother, afraid to lose each other
It got us this far
Now problems are:
I have no bags to pack, no suitcase waiting in the hall
You have no make-up, no stockings in my drawer
Oh, how did we forget? How could we forget?
It's easy to learn if you never regret
When you live in paranoia and you know she's got you, oh yeah
You can't leave until you know the truth
So for months you're going nowhere
until you seize the day and place yourself behind the steering wheel
Or you could end like you don't want to, the opposite of what you planned to:
You can watch the ships when they're abroad
Become a joke when people see you, cause it's enough to please you
You got this far, step out of the car
We'll never learn in the future, this is it, seemingly I am sure
I know we haven't been together now
It wasn't meant to be this way so we'll give it days and days and we'll try to make it easy now
Once I believed we could approach this, now I have faith placed in the things you call fate

summer

im a little worried about the summer. for a lot of reasons. ive never done research before, so i have no idea if ill be any good at it. i will be the only intern in the lab, so i will be the most naive and incompetant person there, without even the comfort of companionship. ill be in a dorm eating caf food with communal showers. remember how much i hated that freshman year? i wont have anyone i know there, and possibly not even meet anyone because theres only 2 other interns and theyll be in other labs. and secondaries for med school start coming back in july so ill have to work 40 hours a week and spend all my free time filling out essays and forms.

but im also rather excited about it. i get to live in a new city, and its a college town, which is what i wanted in the first place going to college. plus its the pac nw, which i love, and theres no where nicer to be in the summer. ill have a car, so if i decide i want to go home for some family and food, its only 5.5 hours away. mark and i are driving up, which should be good times and good music. ill be doing research, which is something new and possibly exciting. ill be making money this summer, the most ill ever have made from a summer job (4000). the research will give me something else to put on my med school resume, and another letter of rec. i potentially can meet new OSU people and make new friends. Itll be sunny and 80degrees for most of the time im there. And im close to Tillamook! just kidding, i doubt thatll actually come into play.

only 1.5 weeks till mcats, 2.5 weeks left of class, 4 weeks until im done with my jr year.

snowboarding!!

I'm in love. I can't believe it has taken me so long to get around and try snowboarding. Granted its hella expensive, and time consuming, but wow was it fun. Went on Sunday with some friends, about 7 of us, and at first it was so hard. I couldnt even stand up for more than half a second, literally, before i fell back hard on my ass again. But after the first hour or so i learned how to balance, and leaf down the hill. turns out that you need to put your weight on your heels but squat a bit so your balance is right, and you have to put your weight on your front foot. after awhile i learned how to link turns, and that took awhile, and a lot of me pointing my arms in the direction i wanted to go (yes, sounds crazy, but it works, and i think everyone does it in the begining) and eventually i learned how to carve down the mountain. i was actually surprised that it seemed to come so naturally, as it was damn near impossible last time i tried in 8th grade (for half an hour) and in the begining it was so hard to even stay up. but at the end of the day i had an instinctive feel of how to turn and stop and shift my weight and use the edge of the board. only trouble is, i got more confident and i still dont have a whole lot of control when i get going fast (but fast is so fun!) and so i do fall a lot, and falling while going fast is scary. on my last run down i turning left and it was kinda slushy/icy/bumpy and apparently my lip caught and i flipped forward and hit the ground really hard and the board came up behind me. i dont think it hit me, but it twisted my back and for a second or two i couldnt really move my lower body. i was scared right about then, but thankfully Okan was keeping an eye on me and noticed me lying on the ground not moving. needless to say that was my last run down, and im thankful not to have been hurt more seriously. lesson learned, when its icy, go slower!

i want to go again before the season is over, and i would love to buy myself a board.

ive been a little frustrated and confused the end of last week, but its all good again. its just, i want to understand, thats just my nature, and its hard when it seems like he doesnt even understand himself, and all i can do is guess. i dont even know myself if i want to be with him, and i dont know if we'd work out, but i feel like we didnt even get a chance to find out. things left undone, unsaid. id rather play it out till the end...

as a side note-im so glad that blake and i have stayed friends. after 9 months of pain, akwardness, confusion, and jealousy, we are now friends, and have been for a few months now, and im thankful that the one person who knows me the best and i feel most comfortable with will always be one of my best friends. it took us a long time to get here, but im glad we didnt screw it up.

i saw yuriy today. its amazing that that boy still causes a bunch of different feelings in me, all of them too much for me to handle. a lot of them negative and painful, but there was also the nervousness that i always felt around him. i was rarely able to stand up to him, he made me so insecure and had such power over me. partly because i so desperately wanted him to love me, because i was so infatuated with him that i didnt want to say anything that could be taken badly, and therefore i was never really myself or comfortable. but also because i never knew what was going to make him angry, what was going to trigger an onslaught of curse words, or a freeze out in which i was unable to get ahold of him. and i never knew if he was telling me the whole truth, even after he confessed his lies and promiscuity, there were other things he never disclosed, more secrets and pain. no wonder i will never be able to be friends with him, never able to see him without a flood of emotions and trepidation.

ive left pieces of my heart in so many places, how will i ever put them back together again? all i know is that right now theres only one person id want to be with. and yet i dont want to do anything about it now. i think im just gonna go with the flow, see where my heart and my life takes me, and not think too much about it. if its right, ill feel it, and if its not, ill know it.

2:01 am

you might say, if being together makes you both happy and being apart makes you both unhappy, why not be together?

its complicated...

i know we shouldnt. for him, and his life, for us, because i would be crazy jealous and insecure, and for me, because i want someone who loves me enough.

its stormy outside, but i feel sunny

its 2am. im not that sleepy. and i plan on skipping class tomorrow (as i always do for this class) so i dont have anything till a meeting at 1130. i just wanted to say, all things aside, pain you never thought youd overcome receeds in the distance and becomes a faint memory. so im doing well, and happy with school and where my life is taking me. personal statement is done, letters of rec are almost all in, mcats are in 2.5 weeks, and im getting really excited to pick which schools i want to apply to. life is good, and im happy. today it was pouring but i couldnt stop smiling walking to class looking at all the umbrellas and imagining looking down on them from above and how silly we all must look. i kept thinking of that game rollercoaster tycoon and when it rained all the little people had umbrellas.

i do miss him, when i think about him. and sometimes i wish things didnt turn out this way. and its not that im happy it did end this way, its just it doesnt really bother me anymore. maybe it just wasnt meant to be, and ive accepted that.
im not sure how seeing him is going to be though. im excited, which is probably bad.i know im not entirely over it,as picturing him making out with his ex makes me really upset, and thinking about how he made me believe he felt all these things and then the moment he thought he could get back together with her he left me, and all those horrible things he said about how he didnt love me as much as i loved him or he loved her still makes me feel really hurt and used. but i do want to see him. and it makes me happy that he wants to see me. see how this is a bad path? especially when im ok with the whole being without him now.

i do know that i deserve more though, and im not willing to settle. i want someone who will love me for me, not as some replacement or second best. so i really cant afford to not be over it.