snowboarding!!

I'm in love. I can't believe it has taken me so long to get around and try snowboarding. Granted its hella expensive, and time consuming, but wow was it fun. Went on Sunday with some friends, about 7 of us, and at first it was so hard. I couldnt even stand up for more than half a second, literally, before i fell back hard on my ass again. But after the first hour or so i learned how to balance, and leaf down the hill. turns out that you need to put your weight on your heels but squat a bit so your balance is right, and you have to put your weight on your front foot. after awhile i learned how to link turns, and that took awhile, and a lot of me pointing my arms in the direction i wanted to go (yes, sounds crazy, but it works, and i think everyone does it in the begining) and eventually i learned how to carve down the mountain. i was actually surprised that it seemed to come so naturally, as it was damn near impossible last time i tried in 8th grade (for half an hour) and in the begining it was so hard to even stay up. but at the end of the day i had an instinctive feel of how to turn and stop and shift my weight and use the edge of the board. only trouble is, i got more confident and i still dont have a whole lot of control when i get going fast (but fast is so fun!) and so i do fall a lot, and falling while going fast is scary. on my last run down i turning left and it was kinda slushy/icy/bumpy and apparently my lip caught and i flipped forward and hit the ground really hard and the board came up behind me. i dont think it hit me, but it twisted my back and for a second or two i couldnt really move my lower body. i was scared right about then, but thankfully Okan was keeping an eye on me and noticed me lying on the ground not moving. needless to say that was my last run down, and im thankful not to have been hurt more seriously. lesson learned, when its icy, go slower!

i want to go again before the season is over, and i would love to buy myself a board.

ive been a little frustrated and confused the end of last week, but its all good again. its just, i want to understand, thats just my nature, and its hard when it seems like he doesnt even understand himself, and all i can do is guess. i dont even know myself if i want to be with him, and i dont know if we'd work out, but i feel like we didnt even get a chance to find out. things left undone, unsaid. id rather play it out till the end...

as a side note-im so glad that blake and i have stayed friends. after 9 months of pain, akwardness, confusion, and jealousy, we are now friends, and have been for a few months now, and im thankful that the one person who knows me the best and i feel most comfortable with will always be one of my best friends. it took us a long time to get here, but im glad we didnt screw it up.

i saw yuriy today. its amazing that that boy still causes a bunch of different feelings in me, all of them too much for me to handle. a lot of them negative and painful, but there was also the nervousness that i always felt around him. i was rarely able to stand up to him, he made me so insecure and had such power over me. partly because i so desperately wanted him to love me, because i was so infatuated with him that i didnt want to say anything that could be taken badly, and therefore i was never really myself or comfortable. but also because i never knew what was going to make him angry, what was going to trigger an onslaught of curse words, or a freeze out in which i was unable to get ahold of him. and i never knew if he was telling me the whole truth, even after he confessed his lies and promiscuity, there were other things he never disclosed, more secrets and pain. no wonder i will never be able to be friends with him, never able to see him without a flood of emotions and trepidation.

ive left pieces of my heart in so many places, how will i ever put them back together again? all i know is that right now theres only one person id want to be with. and yet i dont want to do anything about it now. i think im just gonna go with the flow, see where my heart and my life takes me, and not think too much about it. if its right, ill feel it, and if its not, ill know it.