i cant see my knuckles anymore, its just a smooth area

so my friend chris taught me some mui thai boxing moves. i really wanted to punch something, so i felt like this was a good outlet. and it was actually a lot of fun. and very satisfying. solid contact and resistance. god i wanted to punch that thing till i collapsed. unfortunately, i punched it until my knuckles swelled up like crazy. it was ridiculous. i finally learned how to do it correctly, and i connected really solidly and it hurt my knuckles really bad. and i look down and my ring finger knuckle has this huge lump where its filled with i dont know, blood? now, 7 hours later, the entire stretch of knuckles on both hands are a light purple, im sore and cant grip anything, and the ring finger knuckle is still so swolen that my pinky wont lay straight, it points out away from my hand. i love it. somehow the next best alternative to hurting someone is hurting yourself. and ive never been able to deliberatly hurt someone, so this is my only outlet.but now, i know how to hurt someone if i ever have to. i want to be angry at someone, but i cant be angry at him, so i naturally turn to the ex. thwack. i wish...

school isnt going too well. have absolutely no will to do well anymore. two midterms next week. and another practice mcat. i dont know if i can do it. and i dont know that i care.

i wonder if he reads this. there are so many things i feel like i need to say to him, to explain, and things i want to ask him, so i can have some peace of mind. but he wont talk to me. i dont understand why not. is he just scared that ill make him feel bad about it? or does he just hate me and want me out of his life as fast as possible.

just talk to me baby...

i wish i didnt care

Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK

without you today's emotions would be the scurf of yesterdays

i dont know..it doesnt really feel right. i feel out of touch, so far away, out of sight, out of mind. inconsequential and unneccessary, superfluous and obsolete. i will never feel like i did. its different, why is it different? because he doesnt call, because he's fine not talking to me for days at a time, becuase im not a part of his life, because he doesnt want to be my best friend. doesnt want me that close. is afraid. and its just not good enough for me...

i wrote that a couple days ago. guess i saw it coming...

i feel like im floating.
it might be not eating for 12 hours...

will i ever be enough?

wireless and medschool

Im currently sitting in Tutor Hall (man those engineering kids have a lot of money, this place is hella nice) using the amazing wireless we have on campus. Isn't it slightly ridiculous that I couldn't figure out how to use the wireless until spring of my junior year? its so cool to be sitting here and on the internet. I really should be writing the outline of my personal statment now, and i'll start it soon. All this week I have appointments with professors to interview for med school letters of rec. I have my first one yesterday, and I wasnt expecting a full blown life goals why do you want to go to med school interview that lasted 40 minutes. but if you think about it, 40 minutes isnt really that long to try and get to know someone. but i think its true that you can tell a lot about someone from just talking to them for 10 minutes. It went well and I think i handled myself well, was composed, earnest, and articulate. though im not sure that i got everything i wanted to impart across to dr. hogen esch. im getting really excited for med school. the more i research into the different programs and schools the more i'm looking forward to actually going. and if you know me at all, you know i love making lists and organizing choices so trying to narrow down my list of medical schools to 20-25 is going to be fun. but probably more stressful than i would like as i have less time to figure it out. this may sound conceited, but im begining to feel like maybe i do have a shot at getting in a few med schools of my choice. i never really thought of myself as smart, just as someone who got decent grades and had this lofty aspiration to become a doctor. but its becoming perhaps a realistic goal. and that is truly amazing.

i miss my sam. looking forward to spring break :)