so my friend chris taught me some mui thai boxing moves. i really wanted to punch something, so i felt like this was a good outlet. and it was actually a lot of fun. and very satisfying. solid contact and resistance. god i wanted to punch that thing till i collapsed. unfortunately, i punched it until my knuckles swelled up like crazy. it was ridiculous. i finally learned how to do it correctly, and i connected really solidly and it hurt my knuckles really bad. and i look down and my ring finger knuckle has this huge lump where its filled with i dont know, blood? now, 7 hours later, the entire stretch of knuckles on both hands are a light purple, im sore and cant grip anything, and the ring finger knuckle is still so swolen that my pinky wont lay straight, it points out away from my hand. i love it. somehow the next best alternative to hurting someone is hurting yourself. and ive never been able to deliberatly hurt someone, so this is my only outlet.but now, i know how to hurt someone if i ever have to. i want to be angry at someone, but i cant be angry at him, so i naturally turn to the ex. thwack. i wish...
school isnt going too well. have absolutely no will to do well anymore. two midterms next week. and another practice mcat. i dont know if i can do it. and i dont know that i care.
i wonder if he reads this. there are so many things i feel like i need to say to him, to explain, and things i want to ask him, so i can have some peace of mind. but he wont talk to me. i dont understand why not. is he just scared that ill make him feel bad about it? or does he just hate me and want me out of his life as fast as possible.
just talk to me baby...
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