cheesy song but really fits right now. its been so long since ive been happy. felt healthy. felt in control of my life and the direction its going. felt loved, wanted, and safe. and im glad to say that this semester has finally brought a change. last summer/semester was just a really awful time for me. and i just wanted to say that since starting this semester, i have been truly happy. i dont even know why. but its amazing, and i cant believe its been this long. went to pomona to visit mark last weekend. had a really great time. i remember freshman year i visited mark, and he took me to a party, and i didnt know anyone, and i didnt drink, and i hated the whole atmosphere. i was uncomfortable and it showed. i wonder what has changed. can 2.5 years really do that much? i dont know whether its the fact that i drink now and it makes it easier to talk to complete strangers, or if im just more confident in myself and interact easier with people. probably a bit of both, but i dont think i need that cup in my hand to have great conversations. i have changed so much, but honestly, most of this change occured the last semester. i guess i dont change gradually over time at a constant speed, i go through spurts and bursts of really dynamic change that almost makes me a new person. and actually a lot of those periods in my past have occured during or after a really shitty time emotionally/mentally. in hs jr year, where i was seriously depressed and lost most of my friends. summer after sr year/fall college, where i broke up with my bf and went off to a city where i didnt know anyone-and i was shy, so that was hard- and then this last 6 months, where i didnt know what the hell was going on. maybe the hard times are just something that i need to go through in order to keep growing and evolving. i just might be a pheonix.
yours, kristy
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